Abandoned
by foreverabasketcase
Summary: Sometimes, after a long hard day at work trying to keep up this lie of a life, he thinks of him. Sometimes it's brief, just a slight glimpse into the past, of little moments that weren't as painful as the one that landed him here. Other times, more often than he'd like to admit, his thoughts would betray him and he'd linger just a little longer... Oneshot. (season 5 spoilers)


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing from the show, they all belong to the original creator, Eric Kripke. I'm just a fan that wishes she did but settles for obsessing over the series and its wonderful characters and actors instead. That being said, I hope you enjoy this little drabble I came up with. It's one of many I'll be working on this summer, hopefully. It's also part of the 100 themes challenge. Anyway, feel free to R&R or message me for more! I am taking suggestions (not requests) from the themes challenge.

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**Chapter 1:** Abandoned

Sometimes, after a long hard day at work trying to keep up this lie of a life, he thinks of him. Sometimes it's brief, just a slight glimpse into the past, of little moments that weren't as painful as the one that landed him here. Other times, more often than he'd like to admit, his thoughts would betray him and he'd linger just a little longer. He often wondered what he was up to now that he was back home in heaven. Had his family embraced him, or shunned him for his initial betrayal? Angels were still a foreign concept to Dean, but he liked to believe that he understood them a little better now, or least he understood Castiel.

He tried his hardest not to think of him, he really did. He had promised his brother that he'd move on. He'd move forward and never look back. It had been a lot easier said than done but he was working on that now. His new life wasn't without its issues, though. He still knew nearly nothing about being normal, but Lisa and Ben were very helpful in that department. Still, he missed the thrill and the excitement of a hunt, the company of his brother, and the unexpected flutter of wings that had since recently frequented his life. He didn't think he'd ever really miss that awkward son of a bitch but here he was, feeling empty as hell without him. Dean had convinced himself that it was because of guilt and longing for his brother that he missed Castiel. He still hated the angels for playing their part in Sam's imprisonment in Lucifer's cage and swore he'd have nothing to do with them ever again. God was constantly on his mind but not in the way that he should have been. But he needed the comfort, the company, anything to cool his trembling heart and grant him peace.

As wonderful and warm as Lisa was, she just couldn't begin to put out the flames and heal the scars that had been left behind. He needed someone who understood what he had gone through, who could empathize with him. He couldn't go to Bobby about this, though. Their relationship just wasn't quite at the level yet, and he didn't trust himself not to get soaked up in the hunting business again if he did. He had a promise to uphold and any temptation had to be pushed aside and forgotten as best as possible. He still phoned Bobby and checked up on the man that had since become like a father figure to him, but anything beyond a phone call was strictly off limits. So, he had no one. Not really at least.

From time to time he would look over his shoulder, swearing he had heard the flutter of feathers or felt that familiar tingle in the back of his neck that told him he was there, watching. Sometimes he'd look, hoping to find him there. Other times, he'd resist the temptation, wishing it away. The trick was to never say his name, never think it. If he said it, if he thought it, then he might hear it and appear and he didn't know how to handle that. He felt like an empty shell, walking on pins and needles trying to survive in a new world and he was ready to break at any second. Crying was something he didn't do, he couldn't. Despite all the hardships and battles he's had to overcome in the years, alone and with his brother, crying and venting over it all was something he rarely allowed himself to do. To him, it was a sign of giving up and that was something he didn't know how to do. Even now as he desperately attempted to move on at his brother's request, he didn't know how to give up. Any reminder of it, a physical reminder, and he was afraid he'd break down completely and he didn't know how to get back up from that.

Still, he couldn't help this feeling of abandonment every time he got his hopes up only to discover the blue eyed angel wasn't there standing over his shoulder, watching him like he had grown accustomed to. He didn't know why, didn't understand why. Since when had he grown attached to the angel? Since when did he rely on him for comfort? It was strange and frustrating but the more he thought of it, and the more he tried not to, the more he realized he missed the idiot. Something about him was just so soothing and comforting. Perhaps it was the laughs they had shared, the company he had provided after he had distanced himself from Sam. Perhaps it was his inability to betray and disappoint him, because in the end, regardless of what orders were given to Castiel, he'd always go back to Dean, to make sure he was safe. Sure they had hit some bumps on the road as well, but in the end Castiel showed so much more loyalty to him than anyone else he ever met. Right now he needed some of that, felt robbed of it. He figured he deserved some happiness after the load of crap that's been dumped on him his whole life. From yellow eyes to Michael, Dean just couldn't catch a break. Castiel was his break though, or at least the closest thing to one he ever got his hands on.

So why then did he feel like Castiel had abandoned him? Where was he now that he was at his lowest and needed someone the most? Had he forgotten him since that brief car ride together? Sometimes he'd find himself stroking the fading scar on his shoulder, a reminder of Castiel's permanent imprint on his soul, wondering these exact same things and wishing he'd show.

But not tonight. Tonight he had a dinner date with Lisa and Ben to attend to. Tonight he was normal, as normal as he can be. There were no demons, angels, nor heaven and hell to think of. Tonight he'd forget it all for Lisa's sake, and for Ben's. But most of all he'd forget it for his own sake. And that's all Castiel could have hoped for as well, for the soldier of free will to take the day off and think of no one else but himself. With time, he hoped Dean would come to be happy, really happy. And these feelings of abandonment would fade for both of them. Ironically, they were abandoning the abandonment so they could be happy. Perhaps that was the key to surviving the family business.

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**A/N:** Alright everyone, that's all! Told you it was just a drabble. I'm just trying to kick myself up and off my ass and get back to writing so I figured this was the best way. So, I hope you enjoyed! And again, I am taking suggestions so feel free to message me if you got any ideas you want to share or something specific you'd like to read and I'll think it over and consider. I won't only be writing about Supernatural, might do some Sherlock, Doctor Who, and Homestuck or something else as well. We'll see. Feel free to check out my tumblr (link in my profile) and what not. Ja ne!


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